Fowl Play!
These 4 communication styles are for the birds.
By Gary D. Chapman
She sat in my office, tears running down her
face. "I wish my husband would talk to me. But most of the time, he
says nothing. I don't know how much longer I can take the silence."
This wife was expressing a deep longing for
intimacy. But without communication, there can be no marital intimacy.
True intimacy requires more than just two people living in the same
house.
Communication isn't like an event—we attend, and
then it's over. Communication is more like breathing, a continual
process necessary to sustain us.
But even communication isn't enough. We require healthy communication. Just as breathing toxic fumes can lead to death, so unhealthy communication patterns can kill marital intimacy.
Here are four negative communication patterns I'll call the dove, the hawk, the owl, and the ostrich.
Dove: "Peace at any price"
In this pattern, one partner placates the other to avoid his or her
wrath. Typical dove statements: "That's fine with me" or "Whatever
makes you happy makes me happy." The dove is always trying to please,
never disagreeing and often apologizing even for little things that
provoke the spouse's anger.
In an effort to avoid conflict, the dove
relinquishes all possibility of intimacy. When you don't share your
thoughts, feelings, and desires, your relationship may appear peaceful,
but it's a shallow peace. No relationship will thrive without open,
honest communication.
Hawk: "It's your fault"
The hawk never accepts blame, instead pushing it onto his spouse.
Typical hawk statements: "You never do anything right" or "If it
weren't for you, everything would be fine."
Hawks appear strong and belligerent. In reality,
they cover their emotional weakness by finding fault. The hawk isn't
interested in what his spouse thinks. He's pictured in Proverbs 18:2:
"A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his
own opinions."
Owl: "Let's be reasonable"
The owl will give logical answers to every question. He sounds so
reasonable that you wonder how anyone could have thought otherwise. The
owl prides himself on his stoicism. When his mate shows emotion, he
sits calmly until the storm passes and then proceeds with his reasoning.
One wife said, "My husband takes hours explaining
things to me as though I'm a two-year-old. Though he lets me speak, he
hears nothing I say. So most of the time, I don't say anything." It's
almost impossible to win an argument with an owl. That's why many
spouses simply stop talking—and the potential for an authentic
relationship dies.
Ostrich: "Ignore it, and it will go away"
The ostrich seldom responds directly to what her spouse says; she
changes the subject to something unrelated. Though she'll talk freely,
she won't engage in potentially argumentative conversation. Arguments
are extremely unsettling to the ostrich, who believes that if you
ignore the issue, it will go away. She reasons, "Why invest energy
discussing something when it will take care of itself if we simply
leave it alone?" But the problem never goes away; it simply becomes a
barrier to marital intimacy.
Unfortunately, instead of trying to change these
unhealthy patterns, many Christians look for biblical reasons to
continue them. For example, the dove may quote Romans 12:18: "If it is
possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
The apostle Peter spoke against this twisting of Scripture to meet our
own needs (2 Peter 3:16).
So how do you get rid of these four birds?
First, identify them.
Second, admit this bird is detrimental. Stand in
front of a mirror and say, "I'm an owl. This is the way I communicate
to my spouse, and it's hurting our marriage." Acknowledging it to
yourself makes it easier to admit to your spouse.
Third, resolve to change the pattern. The Bible
strongly emphasizes human choice. When you decide to get rid of the
birds in your communication, you'll have the Holy Spirit's help.
Fourth, replace old patterns with new ones. The dove
will speak the truth in love. The hawk will accept responsibility for
his behavior. The owl will trade in the professor's "Let's be
reasonable" attitude for the lover's desire to know, "What are your
feelings regarding this?" The ostrich will replace silence with, "Let
me make sure I understand what you're saying."
Get rid of the birds, and marital intimacy will return to your relationship.
Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., author of Now You're Speaking My Language (B&H Publishing), has been married to Karolyn for 45 years.
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