What If Your Spouse Cheats?
Help for an infidelity crisis

When you married, if you're like most couples, you made a vow pledging your faithfulness. But now you've discovered your spouse didn't take that vow seriously. It doesn't matter whether it was a one-night stand or a long-term affair, the results are the same—your spouse's action has left in its wake fear, doubt, distrust, betrayal, hurt, and anger.

Ultimately, it's what you do with these emotions—how you process them—that makes the difference. For you and your marriage's sake, you need to process these emotions in a positive way. Here's help.

Healthy versus unhealthy responses
Allow the tears to flow. Initially, crying is a healthy response. But your body is limited to how long it can sustain such agony. Allow yourself to cry, but don't move into a "poor me" attitude. That will do no one any good.

Tell your spouse how you feel. Verbally expressing your feelings is also a healthy way to process anger—as long as you use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. When you say, "You betrayed me. You took advantage of me. You don't love me," you only incite negative reactions. And we know that negative reactions don't lead to positive outcomes.

Statements such as, "I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel like you don't love me" simply reveal your emotions. They're honest and communicate the depth of your pain.

Control your behavior. Negative responses to anger can complicate the problem. If you start throwing dishes or speaking obscenities, your out-of-control behavior will only alleviate your spouse's guilt. Now he can blame you rather than himself because your behavior has demonstrated that you're an unreasonable, uncontrolled person.

Don't retaliate. Retaliation is a common but negative response. Vengeful tactics include having an affair yourself to show your unfaithful spouse what it feels like to be betrayed or going to her workplace to cause a scene. Any effort at revenge is doomed to failure. Returning wrong for wrong simply makes the other person feel less guilty and stimulates him or her to return fire for fire.

Seek outside help. After the initial wave of shock, hurt, and anger, the most productive step you can take is to seek the wisdom of a Christian counselor. If your spouse isn't willing to go, then go alone. You're more likely to make wise decisions if you get the help of someone who isn't emotionally involved in the situation.

Keep in mind that the purpose of counseling isn't simply to keep you and your spouse in the same house. The purpose of counseling is to find forgiveness for past failures and then to establish new patterns of relating to each other that follow the biblical guidelines of love and respect.

Consider restoration. The biblical ideal is to seek restoration. Your marriage can be redeemed. There are no sins that cannot be forgiven. However, there can be no reconciliation without genuine repentance. Your spouse must be willing to break off all contact with the other person and devote himself or herself to rebuilding your marriage.

Rebuilding trust
Reconciliation involves both of you taking an honest look at what gave rise to the sexual unfaithfulness. The objective isn't to place blame on each other but to look at the dynamics of your marriage and discover what you and your mate need to change.

Forgiveness opens the door to rebuilding trust. Trust won't return overnight. Trust grows as your spouse now chooses to be trustworthy. If she sincerely wants to rebuild trust, she'll have the attitude, My life is an open book. You may check my cell phone, computer, and bank statements. From this moment on I have nothing to hide. I'm committed to rebuilding our marriage. This kind of openness and recommitment will in time help you restore trust.

Reconciliation after sexual infidelity is neither easy nor quick. But many couples will agree with the couple who told me, "Though it was painful, and healing took time, God bonded our hearts together again. Every time we tuck our children in bed, we look at each other and smile, thanking God that we didn't give up on our marriage."

Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., author of Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship (Moody Publishers), has been married to Karolyn for 45 years.

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2009

What to Do If You Get Laid Off

By Andrea Sachs
Employment consultant Martha Finney doesn't pull any punches when she talks about layoffs. "The very first thing we should all do is just cop to the fact that it could be us," she says. "If we're drawing a paycheck, we could be losing that paycheck. Period." Her new book, Rebound: A Proven Plan for Starting Over After Job Loss (FT Press) is intended for those who are nervous about their job security or find themselves on the unemployment line. With 3.6 million jobs lost since the recession began in December 2007, that's a lot of people. TIME senior reporter Andrea Sachs reached Finney at her office in Santa Fe, N.M. (Read about how our emotions can get us out of the recession.)

What if someone tells you that you're being let go? What do you do and say at that awful moment?
Keep your mouth shut. Keep your hand away from the pen. Sign nothing. Keep your thoughts to yourself. Ask questions. At the risk of sounding adversarial — and I don't like to do that because I'm a huge booster of the HR profession — these people have a script. HR and the layoff managers are war-gamed against a script because they need to protect themselves legally. If you only ask questions, in a really calm way, you can get them to move off-script. And when they move off-script, they could say something that you can use in your favor. Not necessarily against them, but certainly in your favor. So don't sign the severance package at that moment; find out what their reasoning was behind you being selected as someone to lay off. And expect a nondescript answer. "It wasn't you — it's us." That typical breakup line. (See the worst business deals of 2008.)

What if you burst into tears?
I think that's completely normal and natural. I think if you're dealing with a humane terminating manager and a humane HR person, their hearts are breaking too. It's just painful all around.

Is it O.K. to express that you think the layoff is unfair, if you think it really shouldn't have been you?
Probably not. The reason why is that it makes no difference. They're not suddenly going to press the rewind button and totally unlay you off. It's just going to make you look petulant, and it's going to leave a bad taste in everybody's mouth. And you're going to look back and say, "Gosh, I wish I hadn't said that." It gets you nowhere, and dignity will get you everywhere. ( See the top 10 financial collapses of 2008.)

Is there any point in writing down what's been said to you?
Absolutely. In fact, even if what is being said to you seems innocuous, if you take that document to an attorney who looks it over and knows what he's looking for, there could be something buried in that document that can give you leverage for a more substantial severance package or even a wrongful-termination suit. It's going to give you bargaining leverage, ultimately. And again, never sign the severance agreement right then and there. It's ridiculous that it takes you much longer to buy a car than it does to lose your job. Nobody ever expects anybody on a reasonable basis to sign any document under duress. It's completely realistic, reasonable to expect to take that document home or a copy of it so that you can look at it with your spouse, look at it with your attorney. There are all sorts of things embedded in a severance package that you can negotiate to your favor, even if it means negotiating an extra month of health insurance.

Who do your files belong to? Are you allowed to take them?
No. Your files are company property. If you have extra time, if they give you a couple of weeks to tidy up business, you can probably use your contact list, because those are relationships that you carry with you, to let people know that you're leaving. You can set the tone for why you're leaving without making you sound vindictive. But in terms of company property and documents and company secrets, those belong to the company, and you should leave them alone. (See pictures of office cubicles around the world.)

Should you tell everyone in the office what happened, or should you leave quietly?
It depends upon the company. If you leave under mysterious circumstances, people might think you got arrested! I'm always one for being open and letting people know what happened. You can tell people you got laid off without sounding really venomous about it. These are people you're going to want to work with in your future, especially if you work in a very tight industry or a region like the Bay Area, where people know each other for years and years. They just cycle through the various companies. You're going to see these people again. So the last thing you want is a reputation for being vicious. (See the 25 people to blame for the financial crisis.

What do you tell your own kids?
Be honest with them at an age-appropriate level. Say good things about your company so that they don't grow up thinking that employers are monsters. Say good things about your job and how you felt about it while you were doing it. Invite them to participate in the new phase of the family life, without making them feel overburdened by a financial problem.

What if you think your dismissal is age discrimination? Is it worth going to a lawyer these days?
I think so. Go to somebody who's an expert in employee law and see. If you're seeing that a whole layer of employees who happen to be graying at the temples are the ones who are being disappeared, you have yourself a class-action lawsuit, possibly, and that's something worth exploring. The attorney may say, "Not worth your effort." But it's better to make a decision based on information than just making assumptions.

Any tips about health insurance?
One of the experts that I talked to said that if you think you're about to be laid off, get your physical done while your company coverage is still paying for it. Get a recent document that says you are in great shape, so when the time comes for you to go out and get your own coverage, you have a document that's new that you can show to insurance companies to prove that you're a good health-insurance risk. When people see how much COBRA costs on a monthly basis, the reality of that sets in really fast. There are all sorts of ways of getting coverage, including the warehouse stores. Costco is offering health-care coverage now. So there are alternatives. A lot of the associations are offering something. So there are ways of patching together coverage so you never have to be totally without. (Read "The Year in Medicine 2008: From A to Z.")

Is it O.K. to take any job in the short run just to have money, or do you have to be discerning about it because of your résumé?
It depends upon how badly you need money. Don't be precipitous if you don't have to be. If you have to get new work right away, try to make it consulting work that's at your level. A great place for consulting work is the place that just laid you off. They need to get that work done; they just needed to trim the overhead. You can conceivably continue working at that company. (Learn why dentists are making more money during the recession

What do you tell a prospective employer about your layoff? How honest can you be?
I think you can be completely honest. In fact, in this phase, if you're not, the employer is probably going to wonder. Don't lie. This is the era of the no-fault layoff. Anyone who judges you for having been laid off doesn't know what they're doing.

Caravaggio's Doubting Thomas

12. Shopping Craze and Clerks Trampled
11. Reindeers and sleigh bells
10. Non-Christmas Christmas movies
9. Christmas movies that has nothing to do with Christ
8. Santa and elves--nothing to do with Christmas really...
7. Churches doing "evangelism" on Christmas when its really focused on Christians.
6. If you read this far...you can add #6 for me.
5. Re-cycled Christmas gifts from last year.
4. Getting Christmas cards from postal and postal deliverer just so that they could get a "Christmas gift".
3. Clerks greeting, "Happy Holidays" for fear of offending you.
2. Atheist Christmas "Decorations" simply to protest Christmas displays.
1. "Keeping Christ in Christmas" slogans. We should be keeping Christ central everyday; not just on Christmas.

 

PRESS RELEASE

 

 

East Meets West at Midtown Church

 

Saint Paul’s Presbyterian will be receiving Crossroads Church of Atlanta, a predominantly pan-Asian congregation, into the fold.  The newly merged, culturally diverse community will hold its first official service on Sunday, December 21 at 11AM. 

 

“We’re excited to be joining forces with St. Paul’s,” said Rev. CJ Chun, founding pastor of Crossroads. “We’ve long shared a common vision, and as both churches near their 10^th anniversaries, we believe we can be more effective in Gospel ministry as a united body.”

 

St. Paul’s pastor Chris Robins welcomes the new racial and cultural diversity. “If we truly embrace the idea that we are all one people and members of one collective Christian body, then our houses of worship should demonstrate it,” said Robins. “In a city as diverse as ours, segregation is not an option.  This union will help us better serve our community.”

 

Robins believes that American churches have been divided along racial lines for far too long.  He states, “Martin Luther King Jr. was fond of saying that Sunday morning was the most segregated time in America.  Nearly 50 years later, those words remain both a charge against and challenge to our nation’s churches.”

 

Today, still less than 10 percent of U.S. churches are considered racially mixed. “That’s a sad indictment,” said pastor Chun.  “It’s time that our churches more accurately reflect our communities.  This merger helps us do that.”

 

St. Paul’s is located at 163 Ponce de Leon Avenue, just east of the Fox Theatre.  The church invites the community to join in celebration of the union on December 21 at 11AM.  For more information, please visit www.stpaulsatlanta.com.

 

Automaker 9/11 Contributions

Top 10 Most Annoying Phrases

After ten years of marriage, Cindy and Chip Altemos
were in the long process of getting a divorce. The proverbial baggage
they brought from previous marriages seemed too great to overcome, so
they separated and even agreed to date other people.

Five years into the painful separation, Chip was in the
hospital with kidney failure. With his health deteriorating rapidly,
his soon-to-be ex-wife came to his aid—in spite of Chip's being in
another relationship at the time. "He was still my husband. There was
no way I could walk around with two kidneys, and he had none," Cindy
told the press. "It was the right thing to do." She agreed to donate a
kidney, telling Chip there were no strings attached—no written
agreement concerning a better share in divorce court.

The transplant took place on February 21, 2007, and a
funny thing happened as they both recovered in the hospital: they fell
back in love. Chip thought to himself, Why would I want to date someone else, when I have a woman who would give part of herself so I can keep living?
He put an end to his other relationship and asked Cindy to come back
home with him. The two will be married 17 years in October.

Sam McKee, Sunnyvale, California; source: Associated Press, "Kidney Saves Marriage," www.foxnews.com

First Time FBI Calls Case an 'Honor Killing'

Tuesday , October 14, 2008

By Maxim Lott

 

Almost
a year after two teenage girls were found dead — allegedly executed by
their father — in the back seat of a taxicab in Texas, the FBI is
saying for the first time that the case may have been an "honor
killing."

Sarah Said, 17, and her sister Amina, 18, were killed on New Year's
Day, but for nine months authorities deflected questions about whether
their father — the prime suspect and the subject of a nationwide
manhunt — may have targeted them because of a perceived slight upon his
honor.

• Click here for photos.

The girls' great-aunt, Gail Gartrell, says the girls' Egyptian-born
father killed them both because he felt they disgraced the family by
dating non-Muslims and acting too Western, and she called the girls'
murders an honor killing from the start.

But the FBI held off on calling it an honor killing until just
recently, when it made Yaser Abdel Said the "featured fugitive" on its
Web site.

"That's what I've been trying to tell everybody all along," Gartrell told FOXNews.com. "I would say that's a victory."

But some Muslims say that calling the case an honor killing goes too far.

"As far as we're concerned, until the motive is proven in a court of
law, this is [just] a homicide," Mustafaa Carroll, the executive
director of the Council of American-Islamic Relations in Dallas, told
FOXNews.com.

He said he worries that terms like "honor killing" may stigmatize
the Islamic community. “We (Muslims) don’t have the market on jealous
husbands ... or domestic violence,” Carroll said.

The United Nations estimates that 5,000 women are killed worldwide
every year in honor killings — mostly in the Middle East, where many
countries still have laws that protect men who murder female relatives
they believe have engaged in inappropriate activity. A U.N. report
includes chilling examples of such cases.

“On the order of clerics, an 18-year-old woman was flogged to death
in Batsail, Bangladesh, for "immoral behavior,” the report reads. “In
Egypt, a father paraded his daughter's severed head through the streets
shouting, ‘I avenged my honor.’”

But Islamic scripture in no way condones such actions, Carroll said.

"People have their own cultural nuances and norms from before they got their religion," he said. "This is not Islamic culture."

Regardless of whether religion itself is to blame, Gartrell said it
is important that society recognizes the case as having a cultural
element, just to prevent similar crimes in the future.

"That culture is so different," Gartrell said. "If people had been
more educated about it, they would have known that when the girls told
people, 'Dad wants to kill me' — they were serious."

Many of the threats against Sarah and Amina Said were known to their friends and classmates.

High school friends told the Dallas Morning News that the girls
sometimes came in with welts and bruises, which they confided were
inflicted by their father. One time, Yaser Said reportedly went into
one daughter's bedroom waving a gun and making threats on her life.

After he threatened to kill one daughter in December 2007 —
documented in text messages Sarah Said sent to a friend — the girls and
their mother, Patricia, fled from their home in Lewisville, Texas, to
Tulsa, Okla. But the mother soon had a change of heart and went back,
leading to the tragedy on January 1. Some, including Gartrell, believe
the mother may even have been complicit in the murders.

Dr. Phyllis Chesler, author of several books, including "The Death
of Feminism: What's Next in the Struggle for Women's Freedom," said
that the case fits the description of an honor killing.

"The premeditation, the family collaboration, and the particular
rules (set for the girls) make this consistent with an honor killing —
not just domestic violence,” she said.

She said she hoped that calling the case an "honor killing" might indicate a shift in attitude at the FBI.

"I think this may suggest that law enforcement is beginning to
realize that they may have to treat these incidents differently if they
are to either prevent or prosecute," Chesler told FOXNews.com.

She noted that the United Kingdom has a special police unit to deal
with “honor-related violence,” and said that she hoped that the
situation in the U.S. does not get to the point where that becomes
necessary.

But an FBI spokesman played down the significance of the listing,
saying that the change on the wanted listing was simply due to more
information coming out about the case since it was first listed and
that it shouldn't matter what the case is called.

"We're just looking at how do we find the guy?" said FBI special
agent Mark White, media coordinator in the bureau's Dallas office.

Irving Police Department Public Information Officer David Tull
agreed. "We just look at the facts. The man killed his two daughters.
This is a domestic violence, multiple-capital murder case."

Tull said that, unfortunately, there have still been no sightings or major leads — a fact that distresses Gartrell.

"I'm very upset about it," said Gartrell, who argues that the case
needs special consideration. "This is not a typical murder case. When a
family member murders another family member to protect [the family]
name — that's different."

Click here to see the FBI's Wanted poster for Yaser Said.

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